Before I start, I want to say for the record that this blogger site is tremendously effed up and the layout is going to look awful. Also, as I've stated in previous posts, adults have taken over facebook so now my whole family basically has access to this blog, so please forgive me for being more PG-rated. I just really dont feel like taking crap at the next family get-together. I already got enough from my performance at my cousin's wedding 2 years ago. Those of you who know me, just use your imagination. And with that, We're OFF!!!
In the semi-words of the great Harry Doyle from Major League, "In case you havent noticed, and judging from the amount followers i have, you havent!," this section of Hot D's webpage is basically a megaphone for me to express my displeasure with certain topics/people of this world. I promise, I'm not really as cynical as I appear on paper... ok, I'm tremendously cycnical!! So right now I want to discuss a frustration that has been eating away at me for the past 2 weeks now... my complete and utter disdain for Fat Free Ranch dressing.
Ridiculous topic??? Perhaps, but important nonetheless. Let's be clear, there are few things in this world that are as flawless as Ranch dressing. It makes just about everything better!
Pizza?? Hell yeah!!
Burgers?? You're goddamn right it does!!
Doritos?? SCHWINNNNNNNG!!
But Fat Free Ranch dressing??? Quite possibly the worst tasting thing on planet Earth. Now what got me thinking about this topic was my cafeteria at work. Apparently the folks who run the eatery were bought out and the new company has revamped the menu quite a bit. For the most part, I've been quite pleased with the additions. For example, they did throw us slophouses a bone by installing a hot dog maker, a new daily dessert, and touch screen ordering devices ala Wawa. However, they have done away with the handy Ken's dressing packets that accompanied the salad section. They used to have a nice assortment of choices, such as Blue Cheese, Thousand island, and the often underrated Parmesan Peppercorn. Nowadays, its tubberware bottles with only 5 daily options. Not only did they completely eliminate Blue Cheese altogether, but they got rid of Standard Ranch!!! What kind of world are we living in where a man cant enjoy a delicious taco salad (get your mind out of the gutter gents) without a pint of Hidden Valley draped over it??? All they have is this Fat Free crap that would even make Sasha Grey gag. And come on people, how am I supposed to eat a BLUE CHEESE wedge without BLUE CHEESE DRESSING??? Outrageous!! Inexcusable!!! Ughh, anyways, I'm off my pulpit for now. As Lindsay Logue (wife of guitarist Jack Logue) put it to me this past weekend, "Pat, this is a First World problem. It's not the end of the world." Well Lindz, you're right. It is a First World problem. But last time I checked I live in America, which I consider First World, and this problem needs to be solved.
Solution: I'm loading up on Hidden Valley and being that guy who brings his own dressing to work.
Footnote: Lindsay is gonna straight murder me for not including her maiden name :)
Burgers?? You're goddamn right it does!!
Doritos?? SCHWINNNNNNNG!!
But Fat Free Ranch dressing??? Quite possibly the worst tasting thing on planet Earth. Now what got me thinking about this topic was my cafeteria at work. Apparently the folks who run the eatery were bought out and the new company has revamped the menu quite a bit. For the most part, I've been quite pleased with the additions. For example, they did throw us slophouses a bone by installing a hot dog maker, a new daily dessert, and touch screen ordering devices ala Wawa. However, they have done away with the handy Ken's dressing packets that accompanied the salad section. They used to have a nice assortment of choices, such as Blue Cheese, Thousand island, and the often underrated Parmesan Peppercorn. Nowadays, its tubberware bottles with only 5 daily options. Not only did they completely eliminate Blue Cheese altogether, but they got rid of Standard Ranch!!! What kind of world are we living in where a man cant enjoy a delicious taco salad (get your mind out of the gutter gents) without a pint of Hidden Valley draped over it??? All they have is this Fat Free crap that would even make Sasha Grey gag. And come on people, how am I supposed to eat a BLUE CHEESE wedge without BLUE CHEESE DRESSING??? Outrageous!! Inexcusable!!! Ughh, anyways, I'm off my pulpit for now. As Lindsay Logue (wife of guitarist Jack Logue) put it to me this past weekend, "Pat, this is a First World problem. It's not the end of the world." Well Lindz, you're right. It is a First World problem. But last time I checked I live in America, which I consider First World, and this problem needs to be solved.
Solution: I'm loading up on Hidden Valley and being that guy who brings his own dressing to work.
Footnote: Lindsay is gonna straight murder me for not including her maiden name :)
