Exit Unemployment...Enter Real World

Well, the time has come to get back to the “Real World.” As I’ve stated a few times before, I’ve been on the unemployment shelf since the end of September. As I prepare to offer myself back up to the MAN, I cant help but reflect on some things I’ve learned in the past 2 months of being a bum. To commemorate this occasion, I decided to compose 2 lists for you to peruse. Top 5 Best Things About Being Unemployed, and the Top 5 Worst Things About Being Unemployed. First off, the Worst…


WORST THINGS ABOUT BEING UNEMPLOYED:

1) Slopping ability goes down the drain

When I had a day job, I had every excuse in the world to go out during lunch and just feast on whatever I wanted. Chinese buffet, various Mexican establishments (none compared to La Salsa), Sushi, the Deli on 4th (Conshy shout-out), and of course Wing-It Wednesdays. When your unemployed, the funds don’t exist to go slop on a daily basis anymore. I found myself going back to the well- Subway. Subway and I have an interesting relationship, sorta like that girl you really like, but will never commit to. My heart belongs to Subway, but my tummy is community property.


2) The Second Week

The first week of unemployment isn’t bad. You’re still getting paid, and you don’t have to get up and go to work. It’s basically like the middle of Office Space. You sleep till whenever you want, don’t feel guilty about it, and then just prance around the town with a big smile on your face. However, during the second week reality starts to kick in. “Shit, I’m not gonna have money soon, I gotta find another job quick.” It’s during this point that everyone finds it a convenient time to ask you what you do for a living, even though they’ve known you for years and probably already know. Then you have to go through the whole story of why your not working without sounding like a bum.

3) ESPN First Take

It’s no secret that daytime TV for males in their 20’s is terrible. But amplify that with the fact that I have to watch Skip Bayless on a daily basis suck off Tony Romo and try to convince the world that Tim Tebow is an adequate quarterback. I can only watch SportsCenter so many times, and its not like theres much quality sports activity in Philly these days. Seriously, I’d rather watch Ruben Amaro have lunch than watch the Eagles play on Sundays

4) Twitter / Facebook

Since there is nothing on TV, I found myself being on Twitter and Facebook WAAAAAY TOOOO MUCH. And what do those two things remind an unemployed person of???- The fact that all your friends are working. There are no interesting updates on Facebook, and every tweet I see is just one of my friends bitching/bragging about their job. Note to Tweeters- Unless you’re a celebrity, athlete, or rockstar, I don’t care how your day at work was. And rockstars, don’t tweet about how tired you are from recording in the studio or playing a show in Europe. God dealt you a royal flush upon birth, I get it.

5) Your Inner Clock…

Is completely EFFed in the worst way. There is no reason to go to bed early, so when the time comes to wake up early again, your screwed. Waking up at 9am feels like pulling yourself of the tracks after a freight train just ran you over. Thank God for coffee

BEST THINGS ABOUT UNEMPLOYMENT

1) Catching up on / Getting into a TV Series

Free time is abundant. Use it to catch up on some shows, or find some new ones. I recently got into Homeland on Showtime. Awesome show, even though I’m no fan of Clare Danes. I also started up on Mad Men. I used to wish I grew up in the 80’s, but living in the 50’s woulda been pretty sick too. Those guys literally do nothing all day except drink, womanize, and pretend to work. Sign me up. I also re-discovered an old fave of mine – The Maury Show. As my roommate can attest to, I watched Maury just about every day, multiple times (its on at 10, 12, and 3). It just doesn’t get any better than paternity tests. Being the male I am, my favorite is always the one where the girl is just a psycho bitch insisting that the dude is her “baby-daddy.” The girl usually has her mom there with her, insulting the guy as he pleads his innocence and insisting that he used countermeasures. “In the case of baby Darrell… Tony…. YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!!” Girl runs away crying, mom sits dumbfounded, and dude runs into the crowd getting high-fives (Kess) from all the guys like he just hit a walk-off in Game 7. Air pounds all around for the male species.


2) The Gym is doable

The last thing I wanted to do after 10 hours in an office was go to the gym and work out. But when your unemployed, it passes the time and you feel like your actually doing something with your life. It also makes you feel less guilty when you scrounge up enough dough to hit up Chipotle. Always try and get a treadmill in the back, cuz God made black spandex for a reason.

3) Storage Wars

Going along with my TV series theme, I had to include this as its own category. If your like me, your thinking how could a show about dudes bidding on storage lockers be interesting. The answer is I have no clue, but it is. This show is my new favorite, and its on late so I was able to discover it. It basically follows these 4 guys who go around purchasing storage lockers that are past their payments, and are subsequently auctioned off. One guy made $25,000 on a locker filled with vending machines. Not bad for a day’s work.

4) Sundays are SOOO MUCH BETTERRR

Especially with this football team, I cant imagine how some of you are doing Mondays. Being unemployed has really helped me deal with the Eagles’ inability to win games. After they lose, “O well, I’ll just sleep through the Andy Reid press conference tomorrow. I actually thought about taking up a profession as a corner back recently. I mean if Namdi Asomwahhhhh can get 60 mill for letting people run past him, I would fit the bill perfectly.

5) Plenty of time to practice!

Much like the gym, after a day of work, hooking up my pedals, amp, and bass seemed like such a process. Pathetic, I know. But not when your unemployed! Its easy, and thus I was able to get some extra practice in, and by practice I mean playing behind my head and learning solos that I will most likely never play live. Just in case I get a call from Avenged Sevenfold asking me to audition for them in the future. You can never be too prepared!!!