BRING ON 2012, WITH CAUTION!!!

Well, 2011 has come and is about to pass. I’d like to thank all the folks who have come out to our shows this past year. Whether you liked us or not, I appreciate your presence cuz theres nothing worse than playing to an empty room. I was in an original band before so trust me, I know how miserable that can be. All in all, 2011 was a great year for us D-Bags. But rather than make you nauseous by naming all the great things that have happened this year and saying how blessed I am to have all this and all that, I’ll leave that bullshit to the annoying broads on facebook. So here’s a list of the things I REALLY hope we don’t see in 2012:



Flo Must Go, and take the Hamsters with ya!

I’ve always disliked the Progressive Insurance commercials. Initially, it was bc of their annoying jingles. That was until they introduced Flo. I dream to have those jingles back now. Flo is about as cool as AIDS, and I’m not talking about Magic Johnson AIDS. I’m talking Tom Hanks in Philadelphia, sitting on the witness stand with Denzel strolling around the courtroom full-blown AIDS. Get rid of her now. That goes for the KIA hamsters too. Small hamsters in cages running on circular treadmills is cute. Giant, fat hamsters driving ugly cars and dancing to LMFAO are annoying and stupid to the 10th degree. My dream commercial idea, and I’m looking at you right now Xbox- Halo 4 is coming out next year. Just like the current KIA commercial, start the ad out with the fat hamsters dancing to Party Rock with a bunch of alien robots. Have Master Chief walk up to them , start dancing, then murk them all with his dual-wielding plasma rifles. Top it off with Arbiter decapitating the last hamster with his sword. Go to black. Sales will quadruple.


Dan LeBatard is Highly Questionable

This is hands down the worst show on TV right now. When I used to watch PTI religiously, it would ruin my night to find out that Dan LeBatard was filling in for Kornheiser. The guy just radiates doucheiness. But giving him his own show??? Come on ESPN, you’re better than that. All his show consists of is him and his father sitting on a TV set made to look like a kitchen while they talk about sports topics. Here’s the problem tho. Not only does his dad know absolutely nothing about sports, but you cant understand a word he says bc hes straight off the boat Hispanic. Couple that in with all the awkward silences that ensue due to their lack of knowledge, and its more uncomfortable for the viewer than that first date you went on in middle school. You know, the one where you take the girl who’s clearly out of your league to a movie, throw the arm around her, but begin to lose feeling in the arm due to the unwise position you chose. Now what do you do? Do you squirm and adjust, do you man up and leave it alone, or do u go for broke and initiate the “over the line” makeout session that will give you an opportunity to make that little adjustment and restore feeling to your bicep. Either way, the show is terrible and needs to get canceled.

The Kardasians:

I get it, it takes no talent to become famous anymore and theres a billion reality shows on now, but this is getting completely out of hand. I like to refer to the 3 sisters as “Pig-Nose,” “Amazon Woman”, and “Ass.” I give Bruce Jenner credit for not blowing his head off years ago. It’s one thing if your own daughters turn out to be whooo-ORES, but willingly staying with them when you are clearly more talented and important takes balls. And who is this colossal prick who is on-again off-again with Pig-Nose all the time? Everytime I walk into WAWA and look at the tabloid covers, hes on there apparently cheating or whatnot. Stop flirting with the EJECT button bro. Hit the switch, watch the canopy, and make sure the green smoke comes out so coast guard can find you. And by coast guard I mean any dumb chick at a bar who watches this crap and knows who you are. And what is wrong with Lamar Odom??? Maybe he saw the NBA strike coming and needed to up his celebrity status, but come on man. You’re a star athlete and you’ve broken not 1, but 2 golden rules: not only did you get married, but you married an ogre. Shame on you. The only positive thing about this show is that I get to stare at Kim’s bodacious bubble-butt for a whole 30 minutes…. Eskimotube only has her for 15 minutes in night-vision, and thanks to Ray J, you can barely get a good shot. Selfish bastard.

The NBA-
…….Dammit. Lost that battle already.

How to Make it in America-
BOOM!!! Score one for the good guys. That show was crap. GAME OF THRONES in 2012 BABAAYYYY!!!

Girls taking pictures of themselves in the mirror-
Taking a pic of yourself and a friend is acceptable. Even taking one of yourself is tolerable in small doses. But repeatedly posting a pic of yourself in the mirror with the camera phone in the shot is tacky and kinda sad. Get over yourself.

Girls unrelentingly posting about how great their boyfriend is-
I should state this more clearly. I don’t have a problem with a girl liking her boyfriend. But guys, how do you allow this behavior to continue. I’m happy that your woman isn’t two-timing you and LOOOOOVES YOUUUUU SOOOOO MUUUUUCH, but honestly no one on facebook needs to be reminded of this every single day. Special occasions, knock yourself out. Anniversary, go for it. But every single day during the month of June when there is literally no special holiday, NO. I urge my fellow gentlemen to stop these posts immediately.

Foursquare
Creeping used to be an art form. You check out the cute girl from class’ facebook photos in stealth mode, figure out her personality, check the old AOL away messages to find out her usual hangouts, then you make your move for the planned “random run-in.” Foursquare ruins this. Telling everyone where you are at every moment in the day just isn’t as fun. And honestly, its pretty dangerous. It attracts stalkers, and Stalking is completely different than Creeping. Creeping is gathering info on a prospective female and giving yourself an advantage to move in. Stalking is mental instability.


HOPE TO SEE YOU ALL AT ALIBI’S IN WEST CHESTER TONIGHT FOR A “HOT D” NYE CELEBRATION. SHOW STARTS AT 10, THE FUNNELS START AT 8.

HAPPY NEW YEAR D-Bags and D-Vaas!!!

-Brogan

Breakfast of Champions

In a previous entry, I described some of the Do's and Dont's of performing a live show. Many things go into the preparation. Nowadays most original bands will churn out about an hour set. If they actually are semi-famous or headlining a major show, maybe an hour and a half. If they came out before 1998, they might even go 2 hours. Now being in a cover band on the other hand, 2 hours only gets you to halftime. It is very important to make sure one has plenty of energy to perform and keep up the facade of pretending to be a rockstar, as fun a game as it is. And a good pre-show meal is a big part of that.

Now what goes into a good pre-show meal you ask??? Chinese food??? I already squashed that idea previously. Cajun??? While the grub at Bourbon Blue is nothing short of fabulous, dining on Catfish with a spicy cajun sauce 45 mins before you hit the stage is a recipe for disaster (as i found out 3 weeks ago). Cold Cut Combo from Subway...not a bad choice, but not the best either. A sure fire "go-to" in order to energize oneself and provide the much needed beer-base for the tummy is CEREAL. I recently began thinking, with the help of my good friends and faithful D-bags DJ Dyelaaaan and Peter "Powder" Allen, of my favorite cereals.

GOLDEN GRAHAMS sprinkled with LUCKY CHARMS MARSHMELLOWS- Not only is it important to choose a tasty cereal, but you always have to take into consideration the "post-game milk." This combo makes it delicious. The combination of the crunchy grahams with the soft and chewy Mc-Candy make it a must for aspiring dipsetters (Webster's defines "Dipsetters" as "those capable of or possessing the ability to dipset").

COCOA PUFFS w/ CHOCOLATE ZICO- a favorite of Powder's, this concoction is straight FIRE!!! If you dont know what Chocolate ZICO is, then three things:
A) GROW UP
B) Stop staying in on Friday nights playing Angry Birds and go to the bar (it does wonders for hangovers, seriously)
C) Go to Malvern Pizza or the cafeteria at De Lage Landen and try one.
It's Coconut Water that is basically the equivalent of healthy chocolate milk. "Basically" being the key word. I prefer to mix it with COCOA KRISPIES since I still consider myself a child and I like listening to the snap crackle and pops that ensue. I heard Pete once made a bowl of these, mixed it with half a rack of BL's, and hit the bar. He was later seen wandering the streets of NYC screaming in a Spartan accent "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!"

WHEATIES- ................. just kidding, we're trying to be rockstars here, not world-class athletes. This stuff tastes like Grade-A dogshit and doesnt even make noise when you pour milk in it. And unless General Mills decided to add some HGH to the recipe, or you mix it with the Clear instead of milk, its not gonna do a damn thing to help you hit the curveball or run faster. If you want to be a professional athlete, then forgo your childhood, practice 10 hours a day, take steroids, deny taking steroids, win an MVP, then admit to taking steroids after everyone stops caring about you. Cant wait to see you on 60 Minutes Mr. Braun!!!

And now for the grandaddy of em all. This is the mandatory meal for that show where the people never show up till the 2nd set, if at all. That's right folks, I'm talkin about the dreaded "AWKWARD 1st SET." This is the set where you have to act like you are enthused when in actuality your playing to a bunch of squeebs that would rather be sitting in the balcony at a ColdPlay show. And no, WE ARE NOT GOING TO TRY AND HELP YOU GET LAID BY PLAYING "CLOCKS" FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!! In addition to some suave shades, it is important to battle the disarm the AWKWARD 1st SET by consuming a nice big bowl of....

SHARK SMACKS w/ A FLOATER- or as i like to call it, the GOLDEN GOOSE. The recipe is simple. Pour a generous portion of Honey Smacks into bowl. Fill said bowl with 18 oz of crisp, delicious LandShark Lager. Immediately drop to one knee and chug the remaining 6 oz of said LandShark. And finally, top it off with a floater of Cuervo Tequilla. Not only will it free your mind and enable you to forget about the empty dance floor in front of you, but it will make you think of summer. We used to make these all the time during the yearly Labor Day celebration, but Pete started hiding all of my LandSharks behind his bed at the beach house. "What's that Kess??? We're out of beer??? Did u check behind Powder's bed???"

(ii/:-)

Steve Buscemi...Certified Baller

I've been on hiatus for a bit, and for that i apologize to the 4 or 5 faithful readers of mine. It's been tough lately to find inspiration since all we hear about these days are crooked politicians, NCAA sex scandals, and annoying hipsters occupying every city in America because they got tired of listening to the latest live Phish/DMB CDs. If you want my thoughts on the whole OCCUPY bullshit, just click here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yd2ts8sQ1iE

As i sit in my throne pondering my next topic, my roommate flicks on Boardwalk Empire. I dont watch it cuz I'm too busy watching your friendly neighborhood serial killer and HOMELAND on Sunday nights, but i plan on it eventually. Anyways, Steve Buscemi popped on the screen of course, and it got me thinking...this guy is the man! I started thinking about my favorite roles of his, which i'm going to share with you. I havent seen all his movies, so this is my personal list. So without further ado, the best of Steve Buscemi:


5) The Big Lebowski - Donny

Yeah, he barely says a word the whole movie, but he's great because of John Goodman and the Dude. "I am the Walrus...I am the Walrus." "Shut the f*ck up Donny!!! Vladmir Lenin!!!" Enough said.

4) The Wedding Singer - Drunk Dude at the Wedding

Another perfect role for him. Who hasnt wanted to grab the guitar from the wedding band and start strumming nonsense during the toast. "Remember that time in Mexico when we went out with those...well i guess they were prostitutes but i dont remember paying." GOLD!

3) Armageddon - Rockhound

I dont care what anyone says or how i cant stand Ben Affleck, but every time this movie is on I watch it till the end, mainly because of Rockhound. "You wanna get in my head, go for it. I have a PhD from MIT. Why do i do what i do? Cuz the money's good and they let me use explosives!" High point has to be when they're on the asteroid and Rockhound just starts firing the massive machine gun at the surface. If i was gonna go out, why not get to use a $50 million dollar gun before i do. And i dont know about you, but if the world asked me to rocket up to a massive rock going a bagillion miles an hour towards Earth, there's no way in hell I'm paying taxes ever again either!

2) Resevoir Dogs - Mr. Pink

Tarantino's first big score, this movie isn't for everybody, but its for everybody who has taste in movies. It's vintage Buscemi, a squirrelly scumbag who has an opinion on everything and isnt afraid to share it. There's nothing better than hearing Mr Pink explain his take on tipping and how he refuses to do it. "You see this, this is the world's smallest violin playing especially for the waitresses." SPOILER ALERT: Its also too fitting that he hides like a little bitch during the final firefight and grabs the money and bolts. Classic!!!

1) Con Air - Garland Greene

When i was a young buck, Father Brogan and i would partake in what we called "Guy's Weekend." At my current age of 25, this term would entail heading to Seacrets, partying from 10AM - 3AM, and hoping to wake up with your phone and sheets dry. However at the tender age of 10, this meant mom was down the shore and dad would let me rent R-Rated action movies that we would watch together. We took in classics like The Rock, Face-Off, and Under Siege (luckily for me dad fell asleep 20 minutes in, thus enabling me to catch Erika Eleniak pop out of the cake) Con Air is another example of something I will watch no matter what part i catch it on TV. It's usually on Encore every other month. The plot is ridiculous, it's probably Nick Cage's worst acting job, but throw in Buscemi, John Malkovich and Ving Rhames and its hard to miss the point. Anyways, this is by far my favorite role of Buscemi's. He's a wacko serial killer, but somehow i have no problem with him being the only one who gets away at the end. "Define irony, bunch of idiots dancing around on a plane to a song that was made famous by a band that died in a plane crash." To this day, i refuse to listen to Sweet Home Alabama on a jet.

Until next time...