BRING ON 2012, WITH CAUTION!!!

Well, 2011 has come and is about to pass. I’d like to thank all the folks who have come out to our shows this past year. Whether you liked us or not, I appreciate your presence cuz theres nothing worse than playing to an empty room. I was in an original band before so trust me, I know how miserable that can be. All in all, 2011 was a great year for us D-Bags. But rather than make you nauseous by naming all the great things that have happened this year and saying how blessed I am to have all this and all that, I’ll leave that bullshit to the annoying broads on facebook. So here’s a list of the things I REALLY hope we don’t see in 2012:



Flo Must Go, and take the Hamsters with ya!

I’ve always disliked the Progressive Insurance commercials. Initially, it was bc of their annoying jingles. That was until they introduced Flo. I dream to have those jingles back now. Flo is about as cool as AIDS, and I’m not talking about Magic Johnson AIDS. I’m talking Tom Hanks in Philadelphia, sitting on the witness stand with Denzel strolling around the courtroom full-blown AIDS. Get rid of her now. That goes for the KIA hamsters too. Small hamsters in cages running on circular treadmills is cute. Giant, fat hamsters driving ugly cars and dancing to LMFAO are annoying and stupid to the 10th degree. My dream commercial idea, and I’m looking at you right now Xbox- Halo 4 is coming out next year. Just like the current KIA commercial, start the ad out with the fat hamsters dancing to Party Rock with a bunch of alien robots. Have Master Chief walk up to them , start dancing, then murk them all with his dual-wielding plasma rifles. Top it off with Arbiter decapitating the last hamster with his sword. Go to black. Sales will quadruple.


Dan LeBatard is Highly Questionable

This is hands down the worst show on TV right now. When I used to watch PTI religiously, it would ruin my night to find out that Dan LeBatard was filling in for Kornheiser. The guy just radiates doucheiness. But giving him his own show??? Come on ESPN, you’re better than that. All his show consists of is him and his father sitting on a TV set made to look like a kitchen while they talk about sports topics. Here’s the problem tho. Not only does his dad know absolutely nothing about sports, but you cant understand a word he says bc hes straight off the boat Hispanic. Couple that in with all the awkward silences that ensue due to their lack of knowledge, and its more uncomfortable for the viewer than that first date you went on in middle school. You know, the one where you take the girl who’s clearly out of your league to a movie, throw the arm around her, but begin to lose feeling in the arm due to the unwise position you chose. Now what do you do? Do you squirm and adjust, do you man up and leave it alone, or do u go for broke and initiate the “over the line” makeout session that will give you an opportunity to make that little adjustment and restore feeling to your bicep. Either way, the show is terrible and needs to get canceled.

The Kardasians:

I get it, it takes no talent to become famous anymore and theres a billion reality shows on now, but this is getting completely out of hand. I like to refer to the 3 sisters as “Pig-Nose,” “Amazon Woman”, and “Ass.” I give Bruce Jenner credit for not blowing his head off years ago. It’s one thing if your own daughters turn out to be whooo-ORES, but willingly staying with them when you are clearly more talented and important takes balls. And who is this colossal prick who is on-again off-again with Pig-Nose all the time? Everytime I walk into WAWA and look at the tabloid covers, hes on there apparently cheating or whatnot. Stop flirting with the EJECT button bro. Hit the switch, watch the canopy, and make sure the green smoke comes out so coast guard can find you. And by coast guard I mean any dumb chick at a bar who watches this crap and knows who you are. And what is wrong with Lamar Odom??? Maybe he saw the NBA strike coming and needed to up his celebrity status, but come on man. You’re a star athlete and you’ve broken not 1, but 2 golden rules: not only did you get married, but you married an ogre. Shame on you. The only positive thing about this show is that I get to stare at Kim’s bodacious bubble-butt for a whole 30 minutes…. Eskimotube only has her for 15 minutes in night-vision, and thanks to Ray J, you can barely get a good shot. Selfish bastard.

The NBA-
…….Dammit. Lost that battle already.

How to Make it in America-
BOOM!!! Score one for the good guys. That show was crap. GAME OF THRONES in 2012 BABAAYYYY!!!

Girls taking pictures of themselves in the mirror-
Taking a pic of yourself and a friend is acceptable. Even taking one of yourself is tolerable in small doses. But repeatedly posting a pic of yourself in the mirror with the camera phone in the shot is tacky and kinda sad. Get over yourself.

Girls unrelentingly posting about how great their boyfriend is-
I should state this more clearly. I don’t have a problem with a girl liking her boyfriend. But guys, how do you allow this behavior to continue. I’m happy that your woman isn’t two-timing you and LOOOOOVES YOUUUUU SOOOOO MUUUUUCH, but honestly no one on facebook needs to be reminded of this every single day. Special occasions, knock yourself out. Anniversary, go for it. But every single day during the month of June when there is literally no special holiday, NO. I urge my fellow gentlemen to stop these posts immediately.

Foursquare
Creeping used to be an art form. You check out the cute girl from class’ facebook photos in stealth mode, figure out her personality, check the old AOL away messages to find out her usual hangouts, then you make your move for the planned “random run-in.” Foursquare ruins this. Telling everyone where you are at every moment in the day just isn’t as fun. And honestly, its pretty dangerous. It attracts stalkers, and Stalking is completely different than Creeping. Creeping is gathering info on a prospective female and giving yourself an advantage to move in. Stalking is mental instability.


HOPE TO SEE YOU ALL AT ALIBI’S IN WEST CHESTER TONIGHT FOR A “HOT D” NYE CELEBRATION. SHOW STARTS AT 10, THE FUNNELS START AT 8.

HAPPY NEW YEAR D-Bags and D-Vaas!!!

-Brogan

Breakfast of Champions

In a previous entry, I described some of the Do's and Dont's of performing a live show. Many things go into the preparation. Nowadays most original bands will churn out about an hour set. If they actually are semi-famous or headlining a major show, maybe an hour and a half. If they came out before 1998, they might even go 2 hours. Now being in a cover band on the other hand, 2 hours only gets you to halftime. It is very important to make sure one has plenty of energy to perform and keep up the facade of pretending to be a rockstar, as fun a game as it is. And a good pre-show meal is a big part of that.

Now what goes into a good pre-show meal you ask??? Chinese food??? I already squashed that idea previously. Cajun??? While the grub at Bourbon Blue is nothing short of fabulous, dining on Catfish with a spicy cajun sauce 45 mins before you hit the stage is a recipe for disaster (as i found out 3 weeks ago). Cold Cut Combo from Subway...not a bad choice, but not the best either. A sure fire "go-to" in order to energize oneself and provide the much needed beer-base for the tummy is CEREAL. I recently began thinking, with the help of my good friends and faithful D-bags DJ Dyelaaaan and Peter "Powder" Allen, of my favorite cereals.

GOLDEN GRAHAMS sprinkled with LUCKY CHARMS MARSHMELLOWS- Not only is it important to choose a tasty cereal, but you always have to take into consideration the "post-game milk." This combo makes it delicious. The combination of the crunchy grahams with the soft and chewy Mc-Candy make it a must for aspiring dipsetters (Webster's defines "Dipsetters" as "those capable of or possessing the ability to dipset").

COCOA PUFFS w/ CHOCOLATE ZICO- a favorite of Powder's, this concoction is straight FIRE!!! If you dont know what Chocolate ZICO is, then three things:
A) GROW UP
B) Stop staying in on Friday nights playing Angry Birds and go to the bar (it does wonders for hangovers, seriously)
C) Go to Malvern Pizza or the cafeteria at De Lage Landen and try one.
It's Coconut Water that is basically the equivalent of healthy chocolate milk. "Basically" being the key word. I prefer to mix it with COCOA KRISPIES since I still consider myself a child and I like listening to the snap crackle and pops that ensue. I heard Pete once made a bowl of these, mixed it with half a rack of BL's, and hit the bar. He was later seen wandering the streets of NYC screaming in a Spartan accent "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!"

WHEATIES- ................. just kidding, we're trying to be rockstars here, not world-class athletes. This stuff tastes like Grade-A dogshit and doesnt even make noise when you pour milk in it. And unless General Mills decided to add some HGH to the recipe, or you mix it with the Clear instead of milk, its not gonna do a damn thing to help you hit the curveball or run faster. If you want to be a professional athlete, then forgo your childhood, practice 10 hours a day, take steroids, deny taking steroids, win an MVP, then admit to taking steroids after everyone stops caring about you. Cant wait to see you on 60 Minutes Mr. Braun!!!

And now for the grandaddy of em all. This is the mandatory meal for that show where the people never show up till the 2nd set, if at all. That's right folks, I'm talkin about the dreaded "AWKWARD 1st SET." This is the set where you have to act like you are enthused when in actuality your playing to a bunch of squeebs that would rather be sitting in the balcony at a ColdPlay show. And no, WE ARE NOT GOING TO TRY AND HELP YOU GET LAID BY PLAYING "CLOCKS" FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!! In addition to some suave shades, it is important to battle the disarm the AWKWARD 1st SET by consuming a nice big bowl of....

SHARK SMACKS w/ A FLOATER- or as i like to call it, the GOLDEN GOOSE. The recipe is simple. Pour a generous portion of Honey Smacks into bowl. Fill said bowl with 18 oz of crisp, delicious LandShark Lager. Immediately drop to one knee and chug the remaining 6 oz of said LandShark. And finally, top it off with a floater of Cuervo Tequilla. Not only will it free your mind and enable you to forget about the empty dance floor in front of you, but it will make you think of summer. We used to make these all the time during the yearly Labor Day celebration, but Pete started hiding all of my LandSharks behind his bed at the beach house. "What's that Kess??? We're out of beer??? Did u check behind Powder's bed???"

(ii/:-)

Steve Buscemi...Certified Baller

I've been on hiatus for a bit, and for that i apologize to the 4 or 5 faithful readers of mine. It's been tough lately to find inspiration since all we hear about these days are crooked politicians, NCAA sex scandals, and annoying hipsters occupying every city in America because they got tired of listening to the latest live Phish/DMB CDs. If you want my thoughts on the whole OCCUPY bullshit, just click here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yd2ts8sQ1iE

As i sit in my throne pondering my next topic, my roommate flicks on Boardwalk Empire. I dont watch it cuz I'm too busy watching your friendly neighborhood serial killer and HOMELAND on Sunday nights, but i plan on it eventually. Anyways, Steve Buscemi popped on the screen of course, and it got me thinking...this guy is the man! I started thinking about my favorite roles of his, which i'm going to share with you. I havent seen all his movies, so this is my personal list. So without further ado, the best of Steve Buscemi:


5) The Big Lebowski - Donny

Yeah, he barely says a word the whole movie, but he's great because of John Goodman and the Dude. "I am the Walrus...I am the Walrus." "Shut the f*ck up Donny!!! Vladmir Lenin!!!" Enough said.

4) The Wedding Singer - Drunk Dude at the Wedding

Another perfect role for him. Who hasnt wanted to grab the guitar from the wedding band and start strumming nonsense during the toast. "Remember that time in Mexico when we went out with those...well i guess they were prostitutes but i dont remember paying." GOLD!

3) Armageddon - Rockhound

I dont care what anyone says or how i cant stand Ben Affleck, but every time this movie is on I watch it till the end, mainly because of Rockhound. "You wanna get in my head, go for it. I have a PhD from MIT. Why do i do what i do? Cuz the money's good and they let me use explosives!" High point has to be when they're on the asteroid and Rockhound just starts firing the massive machine gun at the surface. If i was gonna go out, why not get to use a $50 million dollar gun before i do. And i dont know about you, but if the world asked me to rocket up to a massive rock going a bagillion miles an hour towards Earth, there's no way in hell I'm paying taxes ever again either!

2) Resevoir Dogs - Mr. Pink

Tarantino's first big score, this movie isn't for everybody, but its for everybody who has taste in movies. It's vintage Buscemi, a squirrelly scumbag who has an opinion on everything and isnt afraid to share it. There's nothing better than hearing Mr Pink explain his take on tipping and how he refuses to do it. "You see this, this is the world's smallest violin playing especially for the waitresses." SPOILER ALERT: Its also too fitting that he hides like a little bitch during the final firefight and grabs the money and bolts. Classic!!!

1) Con Air - Garland Greene

When i was a young buck, Father Brogan and i would partake in what we called "Guy's Weekend." At my current age of 25, this term would entail heading to Seacrets, partying from 10AM - 3AM, and hoping to wake up with your phone and sheets dry. However at the tender age of 10, this meant mom was down the shore and dad would let me rent R-Rated action movies that we would watch together. We took in classics like The Rock, Face-Off, and Under Siege (luckily for me dad fell asleep 20 minutes in, thus enabling me to catch Erika Eleniak pop out of the cake) Con Air is another example of something I will watch no matter what part i catch it on TV. It's usually on Encore every other month. The plot is ridiculous, it's probably Nick Cage's worst acting job, but throw in Buscemi, John Malkovich and Ving Rhames and its hard to miss the point. Anyways, this is by far my favorite role of Buscemi's. He's a wacko serial killer, but somehow i have no problem with him being the only one who gets away at the end. "Define irony, bunch of idiots dancing around on a plane to a song that was made famous by a band that died in a plane crash." To this day, i refuse to listen to Sweet Home Alabama on a jet.

Until next time...

Exit Unemployment...Enter Real World

Well, the time has come to get back to the “Real World.” As I’ve stated a few times before, I’ve been on the unemployment shelf since the end of September. As I prepare to offer myself back up to the MAN, I cant help but reflect on some things I’ve learned in the past 2 months of being a bum. To commemorate this occasion, I decided to compose 2 lists for you to peruse. Top 5 Best Things About Being Unemployed, and the Top 5 Worst Things About Being Unemployed. First off, the Worst…


WORST THINGS ABOUT BEING UNEMPLOYED:

1) Slopping ability goes down the drain

When I had a day job, I had every excuse in the world to go out during lunch and just feast on whatever I wanted. Chinese buffet, various Mexican establishments (none compared to La Salsa), Sushi, the Deli on 4th (Conshy shout-out), and of course Wing-It Wednesdays. When your unemployed, the funds don’t exist to go slop on a daily basis anymore. I found myself going back to the well- Subway. Subway and I have an interesting relationship, sorta like that girl you really like, but will never commit to. My heart belongs to Subway, but my tummy is community property.


2) The Second Week

The first week of unemployment isn’t bad. You’re still getting paid, and you don’t have to get up and go to work. It’s basically like the middle of Office Space. You sleep till whenever you want, don’t feel guilty about it, and then just prance around the town with a big smile on your face. However, during the second week reality starts to kick in. “Shit, I’m not gonna have money soon, I gotta find another job quick.” It’s during this point that everyone finds it a convenient time to ask you what you do for a living, even though they’ve known you for years and probably already know. Then you have to go through the whole story of why your not working without sounding like a bum.

3) ESPN First Take

It’s no secret that daytime TV for males in their 20’s is terrible. But amplify that with the fact that I have to watch Skip Bayless on a daily basis suck off Tony Romo and try to convince the world that Tim Tebow is an adequate quarterback. I can only watch SportsCenter so many times, and its not like theres much quality sports activity in Philly these days. Seriously, I’d rather watch Ruben Amaro have lunch than watch the Eagles play on Sundays

4) Twitter / Facebook

Since there is nothing on TV, I found myself being on Twitter and Facebook WAAAAAY TOOOO MUCH. And what do those two things remind an unemployed person of???- The fact that all your friends are working. There are no interesting updates on Facebook, and every tweet I see is just one of my friends bitching/bragging about their job. Note to Tweeters- Unless you’re a celebrity, athlete, or rockstar, I don’t care how your day at work was. And rockstars, don’t tweet about how tired you are from recording in the studio or playing a show in Europe. God dealt you a royal flush upon birth, I get it.

5) Your Inner Clock…

Is completely EFFed in the worst way. There is no reason to go to bed early, so when the time comes to wake up early again, your screwed. Waking up at 9am feels like pulling yourself of the tracks after a freight train just ran you over. Thank God for coffee

BEST THINGS ABOUT UNEMPLOYMENT

1) Catching up on / Getting into a TV Series

Free time is abundant. Use it to catch up on some shows, or find some new ones. I recently got into Homeland on Showtime. Awesome show, even though I’m no fan of Clare Danes. I also started up on Mad Men. I used to wish I grew up in the 80’s, but living in the 50’s woulda been pretty sick too. Those guys literally do nothing all day except drink, womanize, and pretend to work. Sign me up. I also re-discovered an old fave of mine – The Maury Show. As my roommate can attest to, I watched Maury just about every day, multiple times (its on at 10, 12, and 3). It just doesn’t get any better than paternity tests. Being the male I am, my favorite is always the one where the girl is just a psycho bitch insisting that the dude is her “baby-daddy.” The girl usually has her mom there with her, insulting the guy as he pleads his innocence and insisting that he used countermeasures. “In the case of baby Darrell… Tony…. YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!!” Girl runs away crying, mom sits dumbfounded, and dude runs into the crowd getting high-fives (Kess) from all the guys like he just hit a walk-off in Game 7. Air pounds all around for the male species.


2) The Gym is doable

The last thing I wanted to do after 10 hours in an office was go to the gym and work out. But when your unemployed, it passes the time and you feel like your actually doing something with your life. It also makes you feel less guilty when you scrounge up enough dough to hit up Chipotle. Always try and get a treadmill in the back, cuz God made black spandex for a reason.

3) Storage Wars

Going along with my TV series theme, I had to include this as its own category. If your like me, your thinking how could a show about dudes bidding on storage lockers be interesting. The answer is I have no clue, but it is. This show is my new favorite, and its on late so I was able to discover it. It basically follows these 4 guys who go around purchasing storage lockers that are past their payments, and are subsequently auctioned off. One guy made $25,000 on a locker filled with vending machines. Not bad for a day’s work.

4) Sundays are SOOO MUCH BETTERRR

Especially with this football team, I cant imagine how some of you are doing Mondays. Being unemployed has really helped me deal with the Eagles’ inability to win games. After they lose, “O well, I’ll just sleep through the Andy Reid press conference tomorrow. I actually thought about taking up a profession as a corner back recently. I mean if Namdi Asomwahhhhh can get 60 mill for letting people run past him, I would fit the bill perfectly.

5) Plenty of time to practice!

Much like the gym, after a day of work, hooking up my pedals, amp, and bass seemed like such a process. Pathetic, I know. But not when your unemployed! Its easy, and thus I was able to get some extra practice in, and by practice I mean playing behind my head and learning solos that I will most likely never play live. Just in case I get a call from Avenged Sevenfold asking me to audition for them in the future. You can never be too prepared!!!

Can't Think of a Title, I'm too disgusted

Well, I was hoping to write a cheesy, funny entry tonight about how much i can't stand the show "How to Make it in America", but yet cant stop watching it.  I also wanted to write about Joe Frazier, a Philly legend and warrior in the ring who recently passed.  Unfortunately, I just got done reading the Grand Jury Report of Jerry Sandusky and I really cant contain myself.  I really wish I had one of those "talk and type" things cuz i'm just ready to fire. 
Back in 2004, I really really really wanted to go to Penn State.  I applied, wrote the essay, and had pretty decent grades to get in.  I told my dad that I didnt want to go anywhere but main campus.  However, dear ole dad thought it would be smart to put that i'd attend a satellite, thinking it would increase my odds of getting in.  WRONG!  Not only did i get accepted to Mount Alto!!! but the letter came on Christmas Eve.  So you could say i have a bias against PSU, but i ended up going to Fairfield University, having the time of my life, had a beach house senior year, and made some of the best friends of my life.  So you could say i forgave PSU and thought they were merely looking out for my best interests.  BOY WAS I RIGHT!!! 

After reading this report, I am amazed that i didnt vomit the king size reese's bar i just ate.  Honestly, I thought Human Centipede was the most horrifying thing in the world, but this takes the cake by lightyears.  The report starts out explaining how the grad student (McQuery) witnessed the sexual abuse (thats putting it lightly considering what happened) and reported it to his father, the police, and Joe Paterno.  Paterno took it up the ranks to Curly and Schultz (if i get the names wrong i apologize, but i just cant go back a read that again so im going on memory).  Paterno told them what the grad student saw, so they were aware that Sandusky had literally just sexually assaulted and molested a child.  They reported it, and then later denied it to authorities.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!  They swept it under the rug and all they did was ban Sandusky from bringing kids on campus anymore.  Thats like me robbing a bank at gunpoint, taking the money, spending all of it, and then having the cops come to my door and tell me that i simply cannot go back to that bank.  The report then goes on to explicitly detail 8 different victims' experiences with Sandusky.  How he (let me put this in lamens terms) touched, spooned, massaged, 69'ed, showered and had every type of sex possible with 10-14 year old boys throughout the span of over a decade.

This is an utter disgrace.  This makes Reggie Bush and Tyrell Pryor look like saints.  Al Golden is stuck in the shithole program of Miami right now thanking God that JoePa didnt step down earlier and hes not in this mess.  Who cares if an agent takes some guys out on a yacht.  I really dont.  This is tremendously different on all levels, and the bottom line is that Curly, Schultz, the suceeded president who i cant remember right now, and YES, EVEN JOE PATERNO swept it under the rug.  I dont care how many kids he graduated, how many national titles he had, how many undefeated seasons he had, it's disgraceful and unforgivable.

My roommate and his girlfriend are PSU grads.  I have a number of friends who are PSU grads.  I honestly feel terrible for them that their Alma Mater is now forever associated with this dispicable event.  I feel bad for the players, past and present, who are scarred (undeservedly so) by this event.  But most of all, I feel awful for the victims who's lives were stolen from them.  What sick individual not only does this, but creates a charity to mask his sick and twisted hobbies of destruction and perversion.  I'll tell you what kind of individual- A MONSTER.

Again, I was hoping to write something witty and funny to (hopefully) make you laugh, but since I have this tiny soapbox to chime out on, I just had to.  I usually make stupid comments about stuff I know nothing about, but after reading that report... there are no words.  Sandusky is a monster and deserves to spend the rest of his days in a 8x8 cell till he dies.  Curly, Schultz, and (i got it now) Spanier deserve to go to jail as well.  And Joe Pa... well, I do not believe Joe is a monster.  I dont believe he is a sociopath.  Joe is a great coach.  He is a great motivator.  But unfortunately, he is also a coward.  And if anyone doesn't think so, you're blind and naive.

If you would like to discuss further or disagree with my assessment, please come to the Manayunk Brewery this Saturday Night.  I'll be the jackass with the fedora on.

(ii/:-(

Top 10 Albums you need to physically own...

I figured I'd get back to the music side of things this week.  Today, two of my favorite bands (Steel Panther and MegaDeth) had new albums come out.  This rarely happens since I am rather narrow-minded about music (to a fault that I'm trying to correct).  Since my computer crashed a few weeks ago and I havent gotten around to uploading my iTunes library back on, I decided to go galavanting around Chester County looking for places that sell CDs (remember those everybody???).  I used to go to Coconuts in Exton to buy all my CDs back in the day.  However, they went out of business along with FYE, SamGoody, and just about every other music store.  As a result, the music industry is dying a slow death.  That's why I'm in a cover band!!!  Remember when everyone wanted to kill Lars Ulrich for going after Napster???  Although I didnt feel bad at all for him and my favorite band, you gotta admit he saw it all coming.  But I cant really complain, because I myself have downloaded my share of songs from Limewire (Lars, dont sue me, I bought every one of your CDs legally, cross my heart).  But I gotta admit that I do miss walking through the record store and physically purchasing CDs.  But that time is long gone, as I witnessed firsthand today.  Instead of driving to Coconuts and buying both new CDs, I had to drive around for an hour and a half to Best Buy and Barnes n Noble because neither had both albums.  Best Buy had 2 copies of the new MegaDeth, and Barnes had 1 copy of Steel Panther.  I also had to search for these instead of walking right up to the NEW section.  Being as it may, I started thinking of the albums I have on CD and the ones of the bands that I would actually still go out and buy today despite the convenience of iTunes.  CDs still sound better quality-wise.  Here's my list of the top 10 albums that every Rock/Pop fan should physically own, IMO of course.  As I stated before, I'm a bit narrow-minded, but I'll try and diversify for you.  See if you agree:

10)   Pink Floyd - The Wall

I'm not the biggest Pink Floyd fanatic, but I have heard most of this album and it is a must to own.  I mean come on, it's The Wall!

9) Van Halen - Van Halen

This is more my style.  This was a ground-breaking album for rock, pop, catchy tunes, just about everything.  Classics like Running with the Devil, You Really Got Me, Jamie's Cryin, and Ain't Talkin Bout Love are revolutionary.  Also the entire album was recorded live in the studio, something that doesnt really exist anymore.  And even Jimi Hendrix woulda creamed his pants if he could've heard Eruption.

8)  Tom Petty - Greatest Hits

I cant name one Petty album in particular.  The dude has way too many good songs to simplify into one album.  Probably one of the catchiest song writers of all-time.  Blasting this on a sunny day in the car will make you smile, even if your girlfriend just left you for your bass player.

7)  Notorious BIG - Live After Death

Ok Ok, I dont like rap, but I did buy this album back in the day when I was a confused yoot, but I still pop it in once in awhile. Like every rap album, you probably only listen to 5 songs since the other 7 are usually random sounds and remixes of songs you already heard 10 minutes ago, but this album is pretty kick ass. Hypnotize is timeless and Back to Cali is another personal fave. And you know you got pumped when Mo Money hit the speakers at your middle school dance (College for Scott and Andy).

6) Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin II

I was gonna go with LZ IV, but every musician knows the rules of the Guitar store... NO STAIRWAY!!! This one actually has more recognizable LZ tunes - Whole Lotta Love, Heartbreaker, The Lemon Song, and Ramble On are straight FIRE!!!

5) Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run

This is one of my favorite albums of all-time. If you dont like the Boss, then you're clearly a Communist and need to get the hell out. Start to finish, you never need to hit the NEXT button. Thunder Road, Tenth Avenue, Night, Backstreets, the title track, and of course the epic ending Jungleland. Classic album and Sprinsteen's best ever, no question.

4) Metallica - Metallica (The Black Album)

I would personally put Master of Puppets on here, but The Black Album was a landmark album not only for metal, but hard rock music.  Metallica went with a new producer and turned from mid-level metalheads into arena-filling superstars.  The first track Enter Sandman is there most recognizable song to date and is played at every single sporting event in the world.  That combined with a more radio-friendly song writing structure took them to the next level.  Plus theres a cool bass solo in the second to last song!  It is also still the highest selling album in the soundscan era.

3) Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication


I have to battle my own emotions by not putting Blood Sugar Sex Magik here, but I cant deny the complete package of Californication.  From the opening bass distortion riff of Around the World, to the ending acoustic ballad Road Trippin, There's about 8 number 1 singles in there.  It also marked the return of John Frusciante on guitar which threw them in a completely different direction musically.  High points are Scartissue, Otherside, the title track, Easily, and I Like Dirt... and the rest of the songs!

2) Michael Jackson - Thriller

The highest selling album of all time and when MJ was still cool. Nobody knew that he was a pedophile yet and he didnt creepily turn white yet. The title track, Beat It, and Billy Jean would probably still sell a gazillion copies if they were the only ones on the CD.

Again, as I mentioned before I am a hard rock fan.  Some folks may disagree with my #1, but in my opinion this is the greatest album every created in Rock music.  Start to finish there is not one mediocre or "decent" song.  It is all perfect, catchy, and contains a handful of songs still played regularly on radio, at sporting events, and on video games.  The guitar player is recognizable to even the most novice music-goers.  The singer is a nutjob asshole, but hes got the most recognizable voice in rock history and a octave range that makes Robert Plant jealous. And the rest of the band is pretty f*cking good too.  Without further ass-kissing on my part, I give you my greatest album of all-time and one that everyone who likes music (so EVERYONE) should own....


1) Guns N Roses - Appetite for Destruction

High points are the whole album.  Starts with the massive Welcome to the Jungle.  Then... It's So Easy, Nightrain, Out ta Get Me, Mr Brownstone, Paradise City, My Michelle, Think About You, Sweet Child of Mine, You're Crazy, Anything Goes, and my darkhorse favorite Rocket Queen.  It's just too bad we'll never see them play it live ever.

(ii/:-)

Tips for HALLOWEEN

It's time for my 2nd favorite holiday of the year- HALLOWEEN!!!  Although Thanksgiving takes the cake for me (food, football, accepted laziness...is there anything better???) Halloween is a close 2nd.  Dont get me wrong, I love being the best dressed member of a bitchin band 364 days a year, but its fun to be someone else for a day.  There are definitely some parameters for male costumes though.  Females, go nuts!  I have no suggestions for you because you all pretty much have it down pat.  I woulda told the ladies to avoid scary costumes, but as Gaga has shown, if your sexy you can pull off a zombie.  If your not sexy, you can dress up sexy and it will usually work.  Gents on the other hand, you can look like total toolbags if your not careful.  I know from both seeing and from personal experience.  Examples:
1) IF YOUR GONNA GO WITH A DISNEY CHARACTER, MAKE SURE ITS ONE THAT CHICKS WILL THINK IS HOT

Guys, you all know that there are certain Disney femmes that you would love to get a piece of if they were real...


Chicks are the same way.  Pick a Disney character that is a stud.  Personally, I cant pull off the cartoon look.  No one would now if I was Prince Charming or Eric from the Little Mermaid (yeah, i know his name, so what).  So I went with a real life Disney character...



Killer right!?  Every chick on the planet wants to be stuck on a desert island with Captain Jack.  Plus, its an excuse to slug rum all night.  The fact that this particular lady was my girlfriend does not discredit my theory though.  I'm pretty sure I coulda done work if I was on the prowl that night...maybe...ok prolly not but I looked like a goddamn champ! 

2)  DONT BE THAT CHEAP GUY WHO GOES WITH THE STORE BOUGHT $20 GIMMICK OUTFIT

My roommate and good friend in college went as a keg one year.  Luckily for him it was the first year that anyone in school did that so he pulled it off.  However, the next year about 10 people had the same outfit.  Not cool.  It shows a lack of creativity and laziness, which chicks DO NOT like.  It's like being a crappy dancer, and we all know what chicks compare dancing to.  In 2008, I went to the bar as MeatWad from AquaTeen Hunger Force and it was not well received if you know what I mean.  It was a crappy $20 costume I bought that day.  However, I had an excuse cuz I was at the Phillies parade all day, so I give myself a pass.  But seriously, DONT be this guy:



3) STUDY YOUR MOVIE QUOTES

When the Good Lord made me, he decided to bless me as the best at probably the most useless skill in the world - quoting movies.  I'll challenge anybody to a duel on any movie that I have seen at least twice.  I'm not proud of this, but no one will beat me.  However, the one day of the year where this gives me an advantage is Halloween.  There's nothing more annoying to a woman than a guy who repeatedly quotes movies, except when they're drunk and its halloween.  Example:



I can quote just about every line of Ace Ventura, Pet Detective and Nature Calls.  Usually it was just a good thing to pass the time in the dugout with my good friend and hetero-life partner Pete Allen.  But on Halloween, I'm considered funny and witty.  So friends, if your gonna go all out as a movie character, learn some one-liners.  If you're gonna be Ace and someone asks you if you had any trouble getting into the bar, reply with "Nooo, the man with the rubbber glove was surprisingly gentle."  If you're gonna go as Jack Sparrow and you run out of booze??- "WHY IS THE RUM GONE"  And if you're gonna go as Maverick and you walk into the bar with your buddy- "Goose, even you could get laid in a place like this."

4)  COME SEE HOTD AT BOURBON BLUE IN MANAYUNK, PA ON SATURDAY OCTOBER 29TH.  THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT!!!

Hope this was helpful friends.  I gotta run.  I'm still unemployed and Captain America just came OnDemand today.  Until next time...

-Brogan  (ii/:-)

5 Things to look forward to this Winter

By this time, I hope that most of you are over the tragedy that transpired last week.  No, I'm not talking about the death of Steve Jobs (RIP).  I'm talking about the single worst weekend in Philadelphia sports history.  I know there are more important things, but lets be honest, when you're unemployed and bored out of your mind like I am, the one thing other than music that gets you going is sports.  In case you live under a rock in the Delaware Valley, here's what you missed:

- The Phillies blew it and blew it hard.  Cliff Lee folded, Doc got zero support, Shane Victorino cares more about MMA, golf, and tweeting than taking a proper route to a fly ball, and to top it off the Big Piece made the last out yet again and did his best Brad Pitt impersonation falling helplessly to ground as his achilles ripped apart (Troy, GREAT MOVIE). 



- The Eagles suck.  Plain and simple.  It's gotten to the point where Jason Avant, our 3rd WR has to call a players only meeting.  This team has no guts.  Remember the days of Brian Dawkins, Jeremiah Trotter, Hugh Douglas, Brian Westbrook???  Those were warriors, players you wanted to cheer for because you didnt get the sense that they just played for a paycheck or to get out of debt.  I'll even throw McNabb into that mix.  Why you ask???  You try playing 3 quarters of a football game on a broken ankle as the QB.  Our current QB cant even play with a hand contusion on his NON-THROWING HAND!!!



I digress though, cuz I could go on and on about this team forever.  In an attempt to cheer you up, here's 5 things to look forward to this winter until Doc toes the rubber again in April:

1) Three words-  LET'S GO FLYERS!!!  Brogan is Flyered up early and often this year.  I love this team.  Pronger is a beast (can he play middle linebacker???), Briere has tremendous flow, our goalie cant speak because hes too busy stopping pucks, JAGR, and Richards and Carter are gone from Old City/Sea Isle forever (air pounds all around for the fellas, especially for Scotty Hartnell). 



2) Tim the "ToolMan" Taylor is back on prime time.  Everyone needs to watch Last Man Standing on ABC.  Think Home Improvement, but instead of Zachary Ty Bryan and JTT (nope, didnt even have to google that), we get 3 daughters.  And 2 of them are straight SMOKE (the other is too young for me, but perfect for your 14 year old son coming into his element).  Even the wife is an upgrade from Jill Taylor.  All around perfect comedy sitcom.  Cant wait for the inevitable Al Borland cameo.  Check it out!



3)  Season 2 of WORKAHOLICS.  I have much love for Always Sunny, but this show blows it out of the water.  When you throw 3 degenerates into a telemarketing job, equip them with a giant bear jacket, curiously hot boss, their own 3 bedroom house, and a cameo from Mark Summers of Double Dare, you have the recipe for comedic gold.  Its on every Tuesday at 10:30pm after Tosh.  Must See!



4) The Dark Knight Rises.  Yes, I know it doesnt come out till the summer, but this is the time where we will start seeing more screenshots and trailers from probably the most anticipated movie of the century.  My good friend Mr. Tierney was fortunate enough to be in Pittsburgh (screw you, we have Jagr) during filming and drove right past the BatMobile.  He immediately called me and said that he was sitting in gridlock traffic bc they were filming on a closed street.  Best traffic he's ever been in.  This movie is gonna be ridiculous and when it hits theatres hopefully Howard will be back from the DL.



5) Finally, of course I have to plug the greatest band of all-time not named HotD- Steel Panther.  Their new album "Balls Out" drops (hehehehe) on October 31st.  They'll be playing the TLA in Philly on Jan 5th, and also in NYC the night before.  We'll be opening up for them on the 5th...ok that was a lie, but we will be in the crowd.  I'll literally be dragging Scotty away from his wife and children that night to ensure that he attends. 



Bonus:  We'll be at Manayunk Brew Pu, Bourbon Blue, and Alibi's in West Chester monthly starting in December.  Nothing gets you through a cold winter like some piping HotD.  Comin in HOT!!!

- Brogan  (ii/:-)

Rob Dyrdek NEEDS TO GO!!!!

I've had it with Rob Dyrdek.  This guy is the biggest tool going right now.  I really have no clue why people like him or his shows. 



I get it, he's a really good skateboarder, but other than that I see no appeal to this guy.  He's just unoriginal.  WOW DUDE, a show where a skater goes around doing stupid crap like jumping into pools from 3 stories up and demolishing his own house???  Sounds familiar...




What's that??? a show where you take youtube videos, put them on a green screen behind you, and make comments about them.  Not a bad idea, only problem is I dont understand why you're saying your series premiere is next week.  Haven't you been on the 10pm Tuesday timeslot on Comedy Central for the past 3 years???




You're right, your show is soooo much different.  Someone get this guy off TV.  The only cool thing about him is Steel Panther does the theme music for Fantasy Factory.

The Do's and Dont's of Live Shows

First off, thanks to all the Dbags and Dvaas who came to Alibi's last Saturday.  One of the best shows yet and a most non-hanus establishment to get your drink on.  You will not find a cheaper beer in West Chester (they have High Life on tap!) or a cooler environment.  Now on to my personal list of DO's and DONT's of playing live:


DO wear comfortable clothing- I like to go with a casual, yet stylish approach for a show.  Those of you who have seen us might be asking yourself what is so stylish about bright red warm-up pants?  The answer is EVERYTHING.  Red screams HOT, and thats what we are.  Jeans are always a risky move.  Always a chance you can get a bit too animated, stick your foot up on the bass drum (more on this later), and then BAM...split pants.  Jeans are also NOT conducive to the mighty power stance.  I also like to go with an absorbant tshirt that can handle my musky sweat (deal with it ladies). 

DONT ever leave home without a plethora of AA and 9Volt batteries.  And by this I mean make sure your guitar player always has them, cuz I never remember to pack em.

DO wear a bandana underneath your fedora/giant cowboy hat.  They hide your sweat, make the hat fit better, and look badass.  Tophats are also baller, but you better be able to play like Slash if you wear one!

DONT make eye contact with any males in the audience.  It's just weird.  Unless a dude is singing every single word to Killing in the Name of, its just not called for.  It also sends mixed signals to alternate lifestyle folks, which isnt nice to do.  Nobody likes the mixed-signals game....Temp aghemmmm???

DO make eye contact with every female in the crowd.  Attractive ones...that goes without saying.  Unattractive ones...yes, because you never know whos father is a record exec.  How you doinnnnn

DONT get buzzed during the show.  Get buzzed BEFORE the show because it makes the potentially "awkward 1st set" much more bearable.  Drummers, never get bombed.  You have to keep time.  I can hide behind the guitar and keys if need be.  Also, DONT jump on your drummer's bass drum.  They dont like that.

DO jump around and have a good time.  You're there to entertain and its not entertaining to stand still with a stick up your a$$.  Remember, its better to hit 95% of the notes and rock out (Chili Peppers/Pearl Jam/Guns n Roses) than to hit 100% and look like a geek (Kings of Leon)

DONT eat Mexican, Chinese, or Buffalo Wings before a show.  You're just gonna have to take Scotty's word for it.

Well, that's all I got.  Time to head up to NYC for the Big 4 show at Yankee Stadium.  Hopefully I make it back alive.  Next show is back at Bourbon Blue in Manayunk on September 23rd.  Hope to see ya'll there!!!!

(ii/:-)